I want to learn to sew with a pattern and zippers and buttonholes, with homemade bias tape and serged edges and contrasting patterns adapted to just my body.
I want to learn enough Spanish not only so that I can tell people what I want to eat, how much I want to pay, and where I want to go but also my deepest desires but better than a 5-year-old.
I to run 5 miles effortless any time of day and when a friend invites me to run a half marathon with them I do so without hesitation but am not the person to walk to far ahead of the group while hiking.
I want to always delight in spring, and sprinkles and cake recipes that have moments where I go, wait, why would you do that and I lean into that skepticism.
I want to write things. Some things. Plays, poems, short stories, long stories, life stories that make some people laugh, some people cry and others say I've read better. I want to read better. All of the time.
I want to be at more peace. I want to be grateful for all the things that I've had all the time.
I want to bling. I want my physical appearance to precede me and I want to always have an open and nonjudgmental heart.
I want to lead with love. I want to figure out what that means exactly too. I want to make sure my community feels this love. I don't want to be naive but honest, courageous, and vulnerable.
I want to create a reservoir of my energy for my family, my wife, and for things that I love.
I say I want to learn to play an instrument but I don't know that I can do that. I am restless and don't have a quiet mind. I definitely don't have a counting mind. I want to be instantly good at it. I need to build up the same kind of patience to learn music that I would have to learn Spanish. I know that music is the universal language and I want to speak it.
I want to rest. I want to learn to rest the same way that I want to learn Spanish and play the guitar. I want to sit in peace and be satisfied. I want to find a flow that isn't FOMO. My intense fear of missing out has given me a life of adventure. So has money, privilege, and whiteness.
I want to immerse myself in art. I want to create art. I want the hotel in my head to always be open and always be occupied with stories that need to be told by travelers traversing this space and asking me for a minute. When the hotel is open and I'm at the reception, the hotel of stories in my head quickly fills up and if I give it time and space, their stories are told and they move on leaving a soft warm bed for the next weary traveler.
I want that curiously that I had when I was younger and wasn't so exhausted but life and stressed by the burden of justice. Surely justice needs a break every once in a while too. She must get exhausted from the fight because Hope and Justice are warriors. They're not fragile. They're spirited and weathered. And I want to make space on the park bench that I'm for them to come sit next to me and take a break. I'm confident that they'll kindly decline because they have so much work to do. And because Justice always has hope, she's never tired.
I want to have enough money so that I can retire. So that I can stop working and play my guitar and sing in Spanish. But I don't need more than what my family would need to survive and thrive.
I want to say yes to those things that scare me.
I want my wife to feel loved and supported all the time. I want her to feel close to me like she knows me so very intensely and not the stranger who has occupied my body. I want to feel as much love as I feel for her while we're camping unplugged from everything. When no one and nothing distracts me from living very intentionally in every single moment.
I want all of these things.
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